One of the nice things about being a college student is that your parents are always giving you free stuff. Sometimes it’s the more down to earth items that are commonly used in real life yet never talked about, namely toilet paper. Being a single college student living by myself, (and rarely ever being at home to use it) I have amassed quite a large collection of toilet paper. My mother seems to think that I go through large quantities of toilet paper at regular intervals because I will often open a care package only to find that half of it is filled with biodegradable dried former trees.
Of course, being the thrifty woman that she is, the paper in question is always the sale brand at Wal-Mart. Which, although I am not complaining about free toilet paper, is not really all that good.
I’m sure everyone has experienced that moment in the bathroom when, after doing the things implied, you reach to grab the good old “papers” only to realize you are grabbing a piece of cardboard. That is the moment where you weigh the pros and cons of getting off the toilet to find some more in a very compromising position, or find some way to kill yourself so you don’t have too.
Fortunately in my case I have a well-stocked supply underneath my sink for just a situation. At this point I look over to see what selections I have to choose from. (Benefits of Wal-Mart rotating sale brands.) I see, “PREMIUM BATH TISSUE! *extra soft and quilted*” (emphasis mine) in two different packages, one with a green logo, one grey. First, I know this is a misleading statement because neither of these tissues, although the package subtly implies “premium”, are extra soft or quilted. This gives me a feeling of discomfort immediately which is never a good thing when you are in your private time.
The big decision comes down to green or grey. I finaly decide after weighing the pros and cons that to a color-blind person it would be a moot point anyways, so I grab the grey. I carefully pull it out of the packaging and place it on the roller and proceed to do what the item was intended to be used for.
I say all of that to make a point. Because of capitalism we are free to make choices between different brands in our everyday lives. Although this may seem simple, without capitalism I would not have been able to choose between grey and green. What if green was all that was offered to me and because the grey logo package was found to be OBVIOUSLY better after thorough testing, (Trust me, it was thorough) I missed out on a better bathroom experience. It is these kinds of things that I reflect on after a Fourth of July weekend.
So make your choice America. YOU live in the land of the free and the home of the brave. YOU have the right to choose your bathroom tissue, whether or not it feels like sandpaper. Run to your local capitalism-supporting Wal-Mart and prance down the tissue isle. Look at all the brands. YOU have the right to buy every type of toilet-paper known to mankind, take it home, and try it to your satisfaction. YOU even have the freedom to choose your favorite brand and swear by it when you talk to your friends/spouse/dog/cat/etc.
But that would be awkward and no one would know how to respond. So it is best just to giggle inside and enjoy your freedoms. God bless America.
